Struggling with forgiveness

I think everyone has had a time in their life when they have been struggling.  Struggling to make ends meet.  Struggling to find hope.  Struggling to find love.  Maybe even struggling just to get up and face each day.  This past few days I was struggling myself.  I am blessed to have an amazing job, good friends, a beautiful home, a supportive family and the love of my life.  What could I possibly be struggling with? 

I was struggling with forgiveness.  Yes, I just blogged about this very topic and it is one that is near and dear to my heart.  It isn’t something I have always been good at.  When I was younger and more hotheaded, I fought back about everything.  There were plenty of times when my quick to temper comebacks weren’t even warranted.  I thought strength was about winning the fight, besting everyone and coming out on top. It wasn’t until the past few years that I learned that real strength more often comes from doing nothing at all. 

Last week someone decided to attack my family on social media again.  Yep.  Again.  More lies posted about myself and my loved ones.  As many wonderful aspects and conveniences there are to social media, there are cowards who hide behind their screens to attack those they could never get up the nerve to have a civil discussion with face to face.  And again I fought against every mother’s instinct to protect her kids and her family.  Luckily I have family and friends who reminded me that good people don’t post their grievances on Facebook and I am better  and stronger than that.  

But that wasn’t the struggle I really faced.  As I sat and let myself cry one day in the car, I wasn’t crying over what had been said about my family.  I cried because I was tired.  I was tired of praying for people who never seemed to change. It seemed like about the time one person moved on to attacking someone else, another lined up in their place.  I was tired of praying for those who hurt me, my friends, and my family.  I was tired of praying for them and watching them go on with their lives, continuing to hurt people and seem to get everything they desired.  They had never admitted they had done wrong, they had never asked for forgiveness or changed their behavior.  What good did all my praying do for them? It all seemed so pointless.  There I was like the petulant child, stomping my foot and saying "I don’t want to anymore."

And then I went to Easter mass with my husband.  As I sat there in that beautiful, overflowing church and looked around me I was overwhelmed.  I listened as Father Tim told the most amazing story and heard the lessons, songs, and messages that day.  As we all prayed together I realized something, that I had known all along.  I can forgive because Jesus taught me how to forgive.  Look how he forgave and understood even those who betrayed him at the end.  He shows us and helps us to forgive.  He was there with me that day as I struggled and cried.  He was there with me that Easter morning as I felt lifted up.  And he is there with me every time someone attacks my family.  I don’t have to protect them or respond in anger.  Jesus is with us all.  I need to practice forgiveness, patience and understanding as Jesus taught all of us.   And I can keep going because Jesus showed me how to.  His love gives me the strength and the wisdom to know to trust in God’s path.  

So I will keep praying for peace in our family, but also for peace in the hearts of those who hurt us and speak out against us.  May they find their joy and find a way to move forward with kindness in their hearts.