However, it may be okay that spring is still a little ways off. You know what spring means, right? Swimsuit season! Yes, I said it. After spring comes summer and with summer comes swimsuits. Even folks like me who avoid pools at all costs still get suckered into swimming or at least sitting by the swimming pool a couple of times a year. So this means swimsuit shopping.
Swimsuit shopping after you've passed your teenage years and had a couple of kids, is its own version of hell. There is all the awkward trying on in a crowded changing room that accompanies any outfit trying on. But combine that with the fact that you know that anyone else who tried on the swimsuit before you was also NAKED and the fact that, well - what the heck are those fitting room mirrors and lights about? I swear they are funhouse mirrors because I never look as miserable, out of shape and downright frightening at home as I do in the fitting room.
As a mother and being over 40, what kind of swimsuit can I buy? I remember when I had my first c-section and the doctor was kind enough to inform me that she had done the "bikini cut" so that I could go back to wearing bikinis after the baby. As I touched my stomach and watched the wave ripple across with the consistency of jelly and the stretch marks like a map of the highways in Houston, I laughed. I knew that belly was never seeing daylight again. To this day the wrinkling and sagging is enough to make me nauseous, but then I look at Libby and Sophie and think, "you little shits caused this and I get to hold it against you for the rest of your lives." Wait.... I mean, "you're both worth every wrinkle and stretchmark and I'm so blessed." (or something like that)
So what kind of swimsuit does one buy? A tankini? This suit is still a two piece, but the top piece is longer and reaches to the bottom. It's alright, but then... well, it isn't just the belly that I want to hide. How about everyone's favorite? The skirt bottom. Nothing says "I have thighs and I'm afraid to show them" like a skirt bottom. Search "swimsuit to hide thighs" in Google once. You get a few skirt bottoms and a few of my other personal favorite, boy shorts. (You also get a whole lot of suits that aren't hiding anything, but I digress.) Boy shorts are great except when they accentuate the fact that your thighs are huge by hugging those babies tighter than a sausage casing. Yeah, nobody is looking forward to that.
My favorite are the swimsuits that "play up your assets". Ruffled tops to draw attention to your breasts. Umm... I don't want everyone staring at my boobs please. Next. "Vertical lines are slimming." Nope, no they aren't. When you have a midsection that makes the vertical lines not so vertical anymore, ain't nobody confused or thinking that is "slimming". There is also that helpful piece of advice to stay away from loud colors and prints. I could be in a solid black swimsuit and nobody would be convinced. Do they come in "make me invisible" print? That's a swimsuit color I could get behind. OH and another great tip for looking good in the swimsuit (and fixing another post-baby mommy body flaw) is to use tape to "lift" your boobs. How is life fair? I'm pretty sure daddies aren't out there taping their body parts here or there to make them look better. So if they don't have to strap anything up, or down for that matter, I sure as heck am not going to start.
So, you're not actually going to get in the pool? Go for the cute coverup. Except most of those are either sheer or see through. What. Is. The. Point. Of. That? That's not a cover up. Wearing my husband's extra large navy blue t-shirt, now that is a cover up. You don't get to call it a cover up if it doesn't cover anything. The name implies that it is actually going to cover something. Like neck to knee would work for me.
I love the suggestion of a spray tan with contouring. Spray tan is lovely - I did that before the wedding. It may be one of the most awkward things I have had to do in front of a complete stranger - after giving birth that is. I'm fairly certain that even the most skilled technician can't create the illusion of the perfect body from the white and lumpy canvas that I supply. Even Monet couldn't pull that one off. Can you imagine if a person tackled this task on their own? Sorry, I can't breathe from laughing so hard. They do say zebras have their unique coloring because when they run as a herd they are confusing to the eye. Maybe that needs to be all of our strategy; spray tan with "contour lines" on ourselves and then huddle in packs, milling about quickly. No one will notice our winter weight then!
1. Give yourself a compliment before you head out. (If you're not picturing Stuart Smally standing in front of a mirror saying "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and gosh darn it people like me", then you're doing it wrong.)
2. Stand up straight. (Yeah pretty sure I could have posture to rival a marine and it wouldn't make me look any more slim, fit and ready for a bikini.)
3. Remember that people are focused on themselves. (Well, this is probably good advice. I'm sure that there are plenty of people out there more worried about how they look in a swimsuit. But then for every person worrying about themselves, there is a judgmental hag just hoping you look worse than she does.)
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