I've blogged endlessly on co-parenting and how to be a divorced parent. Unfortunately for my kids and step kids, the ones who really need to read it; can't, won't and don't. The even sadder truth is that even if they did read it, it would not matter, as parents who are alienators do not care what is best for the kids. They care about what is best for them. Many parents who are alienators are also either selfish, or at the far end of the spectrum, narcissistic. Typically their only concern is getting back at their ex through the best tool they have at their disposal, their kids. If that doesn't scare you and horrify you a little, then keep reading.
I began researching Parental Alienation the first summer of my divorce. Sophie was coming home from her weekends with her dad with some very real anger issues. No one would guess it now, but she was so angry she lost all of her impulse control. And 99% of the time, that anger was directed at me. She would hit me, kick me, throw things at me, spit at me, you name it. Often times her rage would be such that you couldn't talk with her or reason with her and that rage was directed at me. She was hearing horrible things about her mom every time she spent weekends with her dad and in her mind, I was 100% to blame for the divorce. For Sophie to heal and move forward it took counseling and even then she wasn't really able to put the anger aside until she stopped going to her dads. It was then that she began telling me stories of what she had been told and how it hurt her. She was so conflicted because she loved me and couldn't figure out how the image she had of me didn't mesh with the picture her dad was painting. The conflict she felt and the hurt was so hard to hear. She said she felt that she couldn't say nice things about me, my house, my significant other, etc... or she would anger her dad. It changed me to hear how hard dealing with our adult crap was making it on our kids. I wasn't perfect either and from that moment on I vowed to do my best to keep my personal feelings to myself.
I don't think our story is all that unique. I would say that many, if not most, divorces have some level of this type of behavior going on. Eventually my ex and I were able to stop this type of behavior for at least part of the time. Mostly this was because Sophie herself laid down the law. She refused to allow there to be "bad talk" about either of her parents. No kid should have to stand up for their mom to their dad or their dad to their mom. When one side couldn't stick to her new "rules", she chose to distance herself once again. We chose to bring kids into the world and our relationship. When that relationship ends, we need to choose to put the kids' needs first. And kids need both of their parents. Sadly, many parents aren't ever able to move past this alienation behavior.
Many friends and family have reached out to us over the past several months as we deal with parental alienation again. It is heartbreaking to hear so many stories from other parents whose kids have been alienated from them and from several grown children of divorce that went through having one of their parents kept from them. One of my friends has been extremely kind and generous with sharing her story. She gives us hope for a future reconciliation and at the same time, my heart hurts for her. She is nearly my age (which is older than dirt you know) and her parents still argue and fight. She and her siblings are still made to feel guilty for wanting to spend time with their "other parent". This hurt doesn't need to keep happening. Our children have so much love to give and need all of our love. Why do we continue to make them choose? Love isn't a contest to be won.
So after reading all of this, maybe some of you are wondering "What is Parental Alienation and how do I make sure it doesn't happen to my kids?" Well, to answer your first question I have loads of research. To answer your second question, there is literally nothing you can do. We cannot control the words and actions of others. Sometimes no matter how hard we try to provide a loving, caring environment for our kids, the other parent is still able to cause enough damage in the relationship that we will lose our kids. As I am sure you have experienced, some people are really good at manipulating others, and kids are easier to manipulate than any other. The only thing you can control is your own house and doing the best you can to let your kids know that they are loved if and when they come back to you.
What is Parental Alienation? The best resource I have found is this website: PAS Help: Causes, Cures, Costs and Controversies Simply put, parental alienation is a systematic manipulation through many different methods to encourage a child to reject his other parent (and often the extended family as well). There are many many ways that alienators accomplish this.
Some examples:
1. Blaming the divorce on the other parent - providing real or imagined abuse at the hands of the ex to make them out to be the villain.
2. Bashing the character of the other parent, calling them names, etc...
3. I'm not sure how to explain this one, but it is truly where the deeper manipulation occurs. It is where the alienator takes every day situations and turns them into deeper, more hateful, bigger issues. For example, if the targeted parent supports a stepchild the alienator can tune into their child's jealousy and make it out that they have been replaced. That the targeted parent loves the stepchildren more.
4. Limiting time and contact with the targeted parent. Moving, switching schools, planning vacations or fun time on the targeted parents scheduled visitation, not notifying the targeted parent of upcoming special programs, demands child come home in the middle of a visit, etc...
5. Attacking the character of the family and friends of the targeted parent, even going so far as convincing the child that those people are out to get them or wish them harm. The goal is to make sure the child has no one who will contradict their statements against the targeted parent.
6. Teaching the child and then encouraging the child to lie to the targeted parent (often adding things like, "Don't tell them I let you stay up because they will be mad.")
7. Referring to the targeted parent by name, "Bob said you want to spend time with him this weekend?" (Not "your dad")
8. Taking away forms of communication like cell phones to limit the contact between child and targeted parent.
9. Rewarding child for talking badly about targeted parent.
10. Making the child feel guilty or withdrawing love/affection if the child shows that they care for or speaks positively about their targeted parent.
11. Speaks badly about new children in the relationship (half or step siblings).
12. Teaches the child adult phrases or names to use against the targeted parent.
13. Teaches the child to refuse to communicate or give the silent treatment so that resolutions have no chance to be met.
14. Undermines the parents rules while in your house. (Examples: "Your dad may not let you have your phone after 10:00 pm, but I will. You don't have to make your bed here, that's crazy. Let me do your laundry, kids shouldn't have to do their own laundry.")
15. Threatening to take the targeted parent to court, discussing legal issues, etc...
It is impossible for rational, normal people to imagine someone acting in this way. This is not normal, rational behavior. Quoting the above website: "Drama replaces reason. Individuals with these problems do not solve problems by being rational, but rather by escalating ordinary events into dramatic episodes. They have exaggerated mood swings. A person once revered and respected can suddenly become an object of hatred and contempt. This black-and-white, highly polarized thinking is called "splitting and is typical of these types of personalities. They are unpredictable—one day loving and cooperative, and the next attacking ferociously. They have no internal conflict, because they truly believe they are right. Like Teflon, nothing sticks to them. If a problem arises, it is always someone else’s fault. People comment, "How can they lie like that? How are they able to justify in their own mind any behavior, no matter how excessive?" This is because they are able to make up the truth to suit themselves and then passionately believe the story they made up. They can be very convincing because they themselves are convinced!"
I hope with all my heart that this information is shocking and brand new information. Sadly, I have a feeling that many more of us were nodding along and connecting with what you read. My heart goes out to you all. I don't have any solutions for you, I do have a few things that help us deal. One is a phrase that Tim learned and repeats to me often, "Control the controllables". As difficult as it is to swallow and accept, we cannot control every situation in our life. If the situation is out of our control, we cannot let it consume us or break us. The second piece of advice is to pray and pray often. It may seem like that is the same as doing nothing to some of you. For me, giving it to God is the only way I can move forward and get up each morning. I have to remember that sometimes the path God is working on is not my path. I need to get out of his way and let him do his work. While being patient I pray for understanding, patience, and I pray for those who have hurt us and are hurting. Praying for those that you need to forgive is the best way to move towards forgiveness. It may not help them, but I can guarantee that it can help you. Lastly, talk to someone. Don't bottle your hurt and frustration inside. You are not alone.
Best of luck to all of you divorced moms and dads dealing with an alienator, you are in our thoughts and prayers.
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