Here's what I learned about co-parenting. How did I learn it you ask? Well, let's see. First I researched the effects of divorce on kids BEFORE I got divorced. Through that research I learned exactly what I said above. So my goal was to have an effective co-parenting relationship. Second, after filing for divorce, I immediately took the parenting class that I thought would be required by the state. (Unfortunately our divorce went through without it and my ex-husband refused to take the class. We might have avoided some of the troubles we have had and saved our girls loads of hurtful memories had he approached the situation differently.) Third, in an effort to repair our relationship post divorce I was in therapy and one of the things my therapist and I discussed frequently was co-parenting, how to make it work and what to do when you can't. He helped me let go of the guilt I had that I wasn't able to be a co-parent with my ex. Fourth, I have read oodles on the subject; books, websites, webinars, you name it. Why this vast and overwhelming interest in co-parenting? I care about my kids. I love my kids. I want the best for my kids. I would do anything for my kids.
So I get it. At least I have an understanding of what co-parenting is, what it looks like, why it is important, and how to accomplish it. However, there are far more people who throw out the phrase co-parenting to make themselves look like the better parent than those who actually practice the concept. So let's break it down super simply for those who don't get it and I'll share some of my favorite quick resources for further reading for those that want to learn more about it.
First of all, let's break down the word. The co in co-parent is for cooperative which = working together. Parenting obviously means the raising of your child(ren). Therefore, co-parenting is WORKING TOGETHER TO RAISE YOUR CHILD(REN). Working together. Despite any residual anger, bitterness, hurt, or even love you may feel towards your ex, you work together to parent your children for the good of that child. This means having conversations. Long drawn out conversations where you discuss how you want to raise your kids and come to an agreement. After coming to this agreement, you then work together and support each other as you move forward. Sound tough? Check out this list of crucial conversations that would be a part of co-parenting early in your divorce.
Even if you and your ex had these conversations prior to your divorce, it is vital that you have them again. Don't expect things to stay the same after. They won't and you will absolutely be tempted to be the "Disney Dad (or mom)" and go back on things like rules, chores, allowances, etc... Co-parenting after divorce is not parenting your way and parenting my way. This is parenting THEIR way, as in "What is best for OUR children?" As I read somewhere, you chose to have children with this person. That is not a "until we get divorced" kind of decision. When you bring children into the world with someone else, it is a "forever" kind of decision.
After coming up with the plan for parenting your children, you need to stick to it. That means if you agreed that bed time would be at 9:00 pm, then you make sure your children are in bed at 9:00 pm. If you agreed that screen time would be limited to an hour a day, then you don't allow the child to have 2 hours because they put up a fuss about turning off the iPad and you don't want to be the bad guy. Of course your children will grow and change and with that your expectations should grow and change as well. If you feel something needs to change, you go back to the child's other parent and you discuss the expectations again and you decide on those expectations TOGETHER.
While sticking to the expectations at your house you also have to be supportive of your ex and their parenting at their house. Make the hairs on the back of your neck stand up, did I? You heard me right. When your child is spending time with their other parent and they text you to complain about dad or mom, guess what you do. You don't say, "I'll talk to him" or "How dare he?" Instead you say something like, "I'm sorry you feel he/she is being unfair. Should we all sit down together and talk about it?" Let me explain how this works. One - your child realizes that you and your ex are working TOGETHER to raise them. Two - your child realizes that "shit" he isn't going to get away with it. Three - your ex will support YOU the next time your kids are mad at YOU for something you made them do. That day will come, I promise you.
Notice a theme here? Discuss. Together. Agree. If you're stuttering and stammering and shaking your head, I'm not surprised. Co-parenting is really hard and requires a ton of self sacrifice for the sake of your kids. It requires you to act like an adult and play nice. A lot (maybe most) divorced couples cannot accomplish this feat. But think of the benefits to the most important people in your world if you could! Isn't it worth a try?
But... but... right. I get it. I've lived it and seen it. Sometimes we cannot co-parent. Maybe the ex was abusive in some way and you have to protect yourself, and your kids, from that in the future. Maybe divorce was the only way you can free yourself from a controlling, manipulative person who then turns your divorce into a game he or she needs to win, usually using the kids as a weapon or pawn. Co-parenting is not for you. Sometimes we have to choose parallel parenting. In the other resources below you will find a great article on the difference between co-parenting and parallel parenting. You have to do the best you can to find the most workable solution for your children.
For those of you who like to throw the phrase "co-parenting" around, check to be sure you're actually attempting to be a co-parent. If you're not sure....
Co-Parenting is NOT:
*One parent telling the other parent what they need to do and then sitting back and waiting for them to do as they say.
*One parent making the decision and expecting the other parent to agree.
*Trying to turn the child against the other parent or pointing out when the other parent makes a mistake.
*Skipping rules or consequences for the children so your house will be the "fun" house.
*Buying the children's love through gifts, big ticket items or vacations.
*Telling the children that "you would never make them do this or that" to make the other parent look bad.
*Telling the children why you got divorced or reasons why you don't like your ex.
*Making fun or your ex.
*Saying that you would let them but the other parent said no.
*Being passive aggressive or sarcastic - (If sarcasm is your usual method of communication with the world, fix you because you suck. Learn to be an adult and be polite and respectful to those around you.)
*Sit down conversations with your ex. Stop texting and emailing and give each other a call or sit down and hash it out. Much less chance for miscommunication.
*Checking your own hurt, anger and insecurities at the door for you kids' sake.
*Coming to an agreement on a plan and STICKING TO IT.
*Asking your ex for advice, support or ideas. (Gulp - admit you don't know it all or have it all covered.)
*Keeping your mouth shut and only talking about your ex in a positive manner in front of the kids. You want to badmouth them? Go out for drinks with your friends.
*Supporting your ex and their parenting decisions.
Still think you and your ex can do this co-parenting thing? YAY! I wish you all the support and the best. You can do it! Keep putting those kids first and keep researching how to make it work. If you read the blog and are feeling frustrated, no fear. There are pages and pages of advice for you as well. Please see a couple at the bottom of this page and good luck as well.
Feel free to click on these other great resources:
Co-Parenting Success
Co-parenting vs Parallel Parenting
5 Co-parenting tips
Co-parenting with a narcissist
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