As I've said since the beginning of this movement, we adults can't have it both ways. We go around whining and stomping our feet about the entitlement generation and how they don't care about anything but themselves. We say that they are stuck in video games and taking selfies. We complain that they don't care about their country and the world they live in. And then... then there is a mass tragedy and the people that are spearheading a movement for change are silenced by adults. They are made fun of. They are told it is their fault for not being nicer to the lonely kids. They are told they are just kids and don't understand. Basically they are told to go back to their classrooms, video games and cell phones and shut up about it, don't have an opinion. Except when they go back to those places, they live in real fear of being shot and they aren't willing to take that sitting down.
I'll admit I shared this teacher's idea for her sixth graders on Wednesday morning.
I still don't think it is a bad idea. It's a pretty darn fantastic idea actually. I've seen other great ideas floating around the internet as well. In one school they gave each of the students 17 post it notes and told them to write something positive about a person and put it on their locker. The person who shared the idea said they were so proud of their students as they made sure that every single locker had a post it note on it and they kept it all positive. These are all great ideas. We, as teachers, parents, and staff in education, need to keep promoting class and school climate. We need to teach our students about kindness and acceptance. We need to preach tolerance and smother hate.
But there is something that the #walkupnotout idea got 100% wrong. The idea that all these school shootings could have been prevented if kids were nicer is wrong. It's victim shaming and it is wrong. It is wrong to place the blame for school shootings on kids who are just trying to make it during some of the most trying times of their lives and it is wrong to assume that all of these shooters were bullied, even those that later claim that as their reason. (Read the article below for a deeper explanation.) I was bullied as a kid, sometimes quite excessively. I was made to feel like garbage, like a lesser human being, like no one liked me. Did I ever, at any time, want to pick up a weapon and kill my classmates? Teachers? Everyone? Never crossed my mind. I can list other friends of mine that were bullied and with reasonable certainty say that none of them were a threat to any of us either. What the #walkupnotout idea also misses is that these students are mentally ill.
Think about your own kids. How many of you have taught your children to play nice, share, treat others the way you want to be treated, etc...? Did you tell your child to include everyone? Reach out to the lonely kid? I did. I knew my daughter's class well. There was a student who was lonely and I felt for her. I told my daughter she should invite that student into her circle of friends. I told her to include her and listen to her and she might learn something from her. And then, when they were older and in middle school, that other student almost stabbed my daughter in the eye with a pencil. Yeah, having that situation changed me a little. I still preach to my kids to be accepting and kind. I still preach that we shouldn't judge others and we don't know what is going on in other's lives. But I also tell them that if they don't feel safe or comfortable around a schoolmate, they DO NOT HAVE TO BE THEIR FRIEND. Our kids do not owe anyone friendship because they are afraid of them.
Working in the school system for the past 20 years there have been several students, maybe 5 - 8, that I have literally been afraid of; afraid they may hit me, vandalize my belongings, blow something up, etc... These aren't misunderstood lonely kids. These are kids with visible signs of mental illness, and no, I wouldn't have let either of my daughters befriend these students. These are the kinds of students that become school shooters. There is so much more than just lonely or bullied.
I think the final issue I have with #walkupnotout is that this isn't an either/or/one stop solution kind of problem. There are so many petals to this flower, facets to this gem, fries in this Happy Meal or whatever other analogy you want to use. Could students be nicer and could there be less bullying? Yep Should students learn how to deal with bullying as they will face variations of it their entire lives? Yep Should there be more widespread gun control? Yep Should mental illness be identified and treated at a younger age and more frequently? Yep Should schools have better and more strict safety measures in place? Yep Should there be less violence in video games and TV? Yep Should parents keep a closer eye on their own kids and their screen time? Yep Do parents need to return to family values and religious beliefs? Maybe I could go on, couldn't I? And I bet you could add to this list with things I haven't even thought of. We all need to be working together.
Lastly, check yourself. I literally cannot believe the people I see on my social media accounts that are blaming the kids for these school shootings. I can't believe the number of them that were the same people sharing racist jokes, complaining about liberals, calling me a snowflake, saying anyone who disagreed with them was a pussy, saying how when they were a kid they just sucked it up, etc.... Yet - it is kids' fault when a school mate goes off on a shooting rampage because THEY should have been nicer. When we wonder where our kids get their judgmental, racist, name calling behavior, let's look in the mirror before we look at their video games.
So yes, my daughter did walk out the other day. I'm proud of her. I'm proud of her for keeping this issue on the forefront of people's minds. I'm proud of her for remembering and caring about students like her that are suffering the loss of their friends and classmates. I'm proud of her for wanting her country to get better and doing something about it. I'm proud of her for being a voice for the victims. Change isn't going to happen on it's own. We have to demand change and keep pushing to make sure it happens.
Here's an interesting article discrediting the "bullied loner" school shooter theory: Click Here
Article on why teaching up not out is wrong: Click Here
From: The Progressive Parent on Facebook:
Your child does not owe someone a friendship based on fear. No one does.
“Nope. You can get 100% the fuck out of my face with this bullshit.
You do not get to try to reclaim a movement run by children that they shouldn’t have had to organize in the first place. That was our job and we fucking failed them.
You don’t like how they are protesting being shot? And your solution is make friends with someone who literally frightened professionals?!?! Many of these shooters didn’t need friends, they needed profound psychological intervention.
You do not get to imply that school shootings would be obsolete if only ANOTHER CHILD was nicer to a shooter. You do not get to victim blame survivors asking them if they could have just done more.
YOU WILL NOT BLAME A CHILD FOR BEING SHOT.
You do not get to tell front line soldiers how to better wage their battles from the safety of your seat in the back.
Your child does not owe someone a friendship based on FEAR.
Again — your child does NOT owe someone a friendship based on FEAR.
Should we strive for inclusion? DUH! But some of these friends are terrifying. We want to assign mental health care to a middle or high school student?
As an adult, if you want to befriend a lonely student—Awesome. Volunteer. Call a local school and ask how you can be a mentor. Call a local after school program and volunteer your time. Call a homeless shelter ask how you can serve this at-risk population.
But if you’re not front line battling back against violence in schools with these kids, kindly keep your sanctimonious empty “walk up” propaganda to yourself and support your kids’ first amendment right to politely ask that they stop getting shot.
You don’t have to like this movement. Because this is no longer about you. It’s about them and they are handling this shit because we couldn’t or wouldn’t.” - Meghan Burns #teammeghan
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