Stop arguing with yourself. I spent way too many years fighting my gut. I knew things felt wrong and were wrong. I tried to rationalize and make them okay. I told myself that what I wanted couldn't possibly be achievable so I had to learn to be happy with what I had. I told myself I had made poor decisions in the past so I couldn't trust my gut. I told myself a million lies which led to me arguing with what I knew to be true. I didn't trust myself, I didn't trust my gut and that led to a whole host of problems. Fighting myself is what led to sleepless nights, anxiety and depression. When you stop fighting what you know in your heart and make that decision, the weight physically, mentally and spiritually lifts. Which leads me to the next point.
Love yourself. So many times we enter into relationships hoping it will make us happy. A relationship cannot make you happy. A relationship will not work if you don't love yourself first. Do not put your self worth, your happiness, in someone else's hands. I know that I left my marriage with a lot of self-hate, guilt, and self confidence issues. The next guy down the road was able to exploit those, at first telling me all the things about myself I had been missing to suck me into a relationship and then slowly using those doubts and fears against me. Not only did he convince me that I wasn't good looking enough, thin enough, or smart enough, he added crazy to the mix. Through therapy I learned that I didn't need someone to tell me I was smart or pretty or capable. I didn't believe what I was being told anymore because I believed in myself. I believed that there were good things about myself. Until you love yourself, no amount of someone else telling you so will make it true for you. (Not that it isn't nice to hear.)
Be able to be alone. I was convinced I wasn't good enough or smart enough to be by myself. I was convinced that I needed someone to take care of me. I had no faith in the fact that not only could I be alone, but it maybe would be better for me. I thought that any relationship, no matter how twisted and sad, was better than being alone. Through therapy, I found that strength. I remember Frank asking, "What's the worst that can happen?" My response was that I would be alone. His response, "and that would be bad, how?" He taught me that it wouldn't be bad at all. In fact, it could be pretty great. I learned that I was worthy of being treated right. I was good enough, smart enough and capable. I learned I could be on my own and I didn't have to fear that. When I walked away from that second relationship, I had every intention of being alone and I was excited and happy to do just that. Realizing I could be alone was the first step to being able to be in a relationship.
Put yourself first in order to be the best you. Some of us have a hard time putting ourselves first. We are worrying constantly about being a better mom, wife, family member or worker. We think that self care comes last, after we have cared for everyone else. What we don't realize is that by short changing ourselves, we are really short changing everyone else. When we don't take care of ourselves we take that out on everyone and everything that comes into contact with us. Let me explain. I often said that I didn't have time for girls night out or even working out because my kids were in activities, or I needed to make supper. Here's the truth. Your kids will be okay if you miss one game, or if they don't get to have a birthday party decorated like a 2 page spread in Better Homes and Garden, or if they have cereal for supper. You will not scar them for life, but you will start chipping away at yourself if you don't put yourself first. I know that the more things I skipped for myself, the less time I made for me; the angrier, shorter tempered, less patient, sadder and more anxious I became. You need to take care of you to be the best you that you can be.
Bad decisions aren't the end. There is an episode of Friends (THE best show of all time) where Rachel decides she makes horrible decisions and tells Monica she gets to make all of her decisions from there on. It is hilarious, but really - how many of us haven't felt like we can't make a decent decision to save our souls? I've had more than my fair share, but that doesn't mean I'm not capable of making decisions and I shouldn't be making decisions for myself. There was a period of time in my life where I had no confidence in my ability to do so and that is not a fun place to be. My advice - making a bad decision isn't the end. Making two or three bad decisions isn't the end. Learn from them, work to make that bad decision better and move on. Do not look back and beat yourself up over it. You are no longer the same person you were when you made that decision. And do not allow others to question your decisions, make you feel guilty about your decisions or make you feel like you can't make your own decisions. No one can take that away from you!
As the title says, that's my relationship advice but take it with a grain of salt. I'm certainly no expert and I have done my share of failing at relationships. Hopefully I learned a few things along the way and if I can help one person out there learn from my mistakes, then maybe they weren't such "mistakes" after all.
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