It's Easy!

Picture this.  You’re trying to understand something that you just can’t get.  You can kind of see where you might be able to get it, and you’re really straining to see, but it’s just sliding out of your grasp.  And then someone says, “come on, it’s easy.”  Suddenly everything is clearer and you finally get it.  You just needed someone else to tell you it was easy and it all comes crisply into focus!

What?  Doesn’t that scenario happen for you all the time?  Isn’t that how it goes when someone tells you “it’s easy”?  I mean, that’s totally how it goes for me.  NOT! (In my best 1980’s fluorescent colored teen rage voice.)  

There is truly nothing more frustrating or annoying than someone who sees you struggling, telling you it is easy.  It doesn’t matter what the concept is.  Maybe you’re learning a new game.  Maybe you’re learning a new jump shot, football play, concept in math, runner’s stance, you name it.  If you’re struggling and frustrated and someone who has mastered the task tells you that it is easy, suddenly nothing is easy.  

I’ve watched it happen with students over the years.  We will be working on something as a class or in a group and there is always that student (or sometimes a few students) who get impatient and declare, “this is easy!” for those that are still struggling.  I always observe the same thing happening to my students that I have felt myself.  Anger, frustration, shame, did I mention anger?  My first step is always to diffuse the situation.  Remind the students that what is easy to some people, isn’t always easy for everyone.  Everyone has their own background knowledge, talents and skill set to pull from when they approach a situation where they are not an expert.  For some, that background helps them grasp the concept quickly.  For others, that lack of background makes the task all that more challenging.  Then I ask them if saying that it is easy for them helps the situation or hurts it?  And lastly, I remind them that there are times that tasks aren’t easy for them, how do they feel in those situations?

I’m reminded of this when I help new people with horses.  So much of what we do seems like common knowledge to me.  Tying a halter, putting a safety knot in a lead rope, saddling and bridling; I don’t even think about those things any more.  It’s like I go on autopilot and I can be focusing on a task 3 steps down the road instead of worrying about the more mundane things I do several times a day.  So when I have to help someone do these things for the first, second, third or fourth time, I find it odd that I have to show them several times.  There is that temptation to say, “come on, this is easy!”  But I remind myself, that it is “easy” to me because of my background knowledge and skill set and years of practice.  Others find different tasks “easy” that I will struggle with.  

The other night, Tim, Tay and Carter were trying to teach me how to play a new card game.  I wasn’t grasping the many “piles” that a person could play off of, have in front of them, discard on, needed to get rid of and all the cards that were in your hand.  I asked a couple questions and I could feel my anxiety rising as I was told, “It’s easy. We will just play, you’ll get it.” and for good measure, a couple more “It really is easy” were thrown in there for good luck.  Turns out that hearing that something that was difficult for me was supposedly “easy” had the opposite effect of inspiring me.  It caused me to shut down and quit trying completely.  I turned my cards in and sat out the game.  After watching almost an entire game I had the hang of it, but the sad part is that I first had to struggle through anxiety, defensiveness, anger and wanting to just give up.  

I think what people don’t understand when they tell you that something is easy, is that in our human minds we don’t hear that they are telling us that the task isn’t as difficult as we are making it out to be.   What we hear them telling us is that they are smarter than us, it’s not difficult so we must be dumb, everyone else gets it but us, and why must we hold everyone else back with our stupidity.  In our logical minds, we know that people aren’t really saying that.  But through our hearts and brains fogged with anxiety and anger, we don’t always hear people’s good intentions.  

So, what’s the lesson to be learned hear?  The phrase “it’s easy” needs to go in the dumpster.  For the record, that can be the same dumpster that you throw “whatever”, “fine” and “bae" in.  And while you’re at it, toss away “must be nice”.  I have a blog on that one waiting to come too.  But quite possibly that is self explanatory.